Legacy

For some it is the thought of a priceless heirloom, or an object which they might covet; however, for some, these days, the legacy we might offer to our family can be so varied. At today’s death cafe we discussed what might be our legacy. But first we always have a slice of humour, to break the ice.

Recent news

Direct Cremations are those where the person is cremated without any ceremony – although still some cremation centres will offer a wee Celtic prayer – and no attendees. This can still attract a cost in excess of £450. There are alternatives: such as limited attendance, for less than 21 people with no minister or celebrant; and the full ceremony with the minister or celebrant. This week we had the headline that direct cremations were on the rise but were still expensive. If more and more people were opting for the direct cremation and did not seek a religious service of thanksgiving, then when and how might they process their grief? If grief is formed, loosely, of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are we focusing too much upon denial, not wishing to allow ourselves to fully articulate that grief we all may have? What do you think?

Grief

Grief is a natural aspect of loss. Some would say that our grief will diminish over time: I disagree. Why should it? Our love for the other person won’t go away. We can grow to encompass that grief, over time. We can maintain that love for the other person but become stronger to allow ourselves to process how we really feel.

Legacy

The discussion then moved onto legacy, what might we wish to leave to the next generation. The first response was for people to see the real me, not the one portrayed. We all may offer a standardised version of ourselves but, inside, there is the real person, perhaps struggling with life. This person wanted to express who they really were through the medium of poetry. This could tell their story of childhood, allowing their children to really understood who they were: the struggles and the joys.

Trees

Another person, who was practical and a lover of the outdoors, wanted to leave a beautiful tree, possibly an apple tree, potentially full of fruit. You might imagine that this will be present in someone’s garden for many decades, offering the vision of new life each and every Spring. Cuttings could also be taken, to allow the tree to be tasted further afield. Others had considered a rose brush, one not only full of colour but also rich in aroma.

Another person would want to leave the next generation some words of wisdom, although this was still yet to be defined. We wondered whether it might consist of “Live life to the full” or, from a different perspective, “This will pass” – sage wise words to help the younger person. What words of wisdom might you wish to pass on?

These words might be in the medium of the written word but also in video. We might not wait until the end but – using the Nike principle – ‘Just Do It’ now. When we are feeling cogent and are coherent, express those words which the next generation may truly appreciate. It would also be an amazing memory, able to be played on whatever handheld device might exist then.

Devices

Talking of devices, vinyl records are very retro these days. Ask the youngster whether it can be played at 78rpm… Leaving some material object, combined with a story, may offer a really valuable memory of our life. When thinking of brass instrument, such as an 80 year old Cornet, not possibly able to be played today, but having a story of what grandparents did in the past. A bicycle from the 1980s has been passed down, not truly roadworthy but a mystery to the youngster today without the latest add-ons. There was even talk of a coat – yes, a particular type of coat. The current generation, possibly preferring to be vegan, may not take kindly to such an heirloom, but what a story it might tell of yesteryear. There was also talk of a beautiful grandfather clock, recently restored, so now able to ‘bong’ on the hour. Again, the stories it might start as they find out that it was nigh on a century old.

Talking of time, our time that we spend with our family is also priceless. That time playing sport, whatever it may be, brings such connection between the generations. Being there to watch them play sports – despite the cold, and even the rain – means so much, regardless whether they win or lose. As Max Boyce would say “I was there!” – please say in a Welsh accent…

Ending with positivity

In all of our discussions, we found that it possibly wasn’t the priceless nature of the material gift that truly mattered, but the story that went with it. The story that links generations, that encourages learning of what happened in the past and see what it means in the present. And we can start that process today. It doesn’t have to start when we are in our last days, but we could write or record that message, look to find that device, offer those words of wisdom in the next few weeks or months. Don’t worry, we aren’t going to upset the passage of time, and accelerate our departure from this world. What we will be doing is to create threads, strong cords, between our families, and they will know of our love. Let’s do this.