At last week’s Death Cafe there was a surprising comment – there were many in fact – but this one stood out to me. How many deaths do we have? We have 3 deaths. Three.
The first death
First, there is that moment when either the brain function stops or your circulation has stopped. The legal definition of death can be seen here. As reported on NHS Scotland: “A person is confirmed as being dead when their brain stem function is permanently lost.” However, a ventilator may still allow circulation to exist, but our primary driver for brain functionality has been lost.
I do like this paragraph from one website: “You might feel all sorts of emotions, from grief that they are gone to relief that their pain is over, and any number of emotions in between. Take your time — it’s fine to just sit with the person who has died for as long as you need to.” That’s something also encouraged by CaitlinDoughty at the Order of The Good Death.
The second death
Secondly, there is that moment of death when the curtain closes at the Crematorium. Or we witness the body of our loved when being cremated. Or we see the coffin containing our loved one being buried. There is a closure at this point. It’s physical, and possibly more meaningful than the first, especially if the declaration of medical death is in hospital or the care home. We weren’t able to witness it first hand perhaps. Does the closure of the curtain at the Crematorium signify the end of the contact with our loved one? One local crematorium even has the Catafalque descending at such a time in the service…descending…what might that signify?
The third death
Thirdly, there is that moment in time when our legacy is not remembered again. This moment is not marked outwardly – by default. It just happens. It’s highlighted in this short video. “If we are going not to be remembered, then why not live your life for you?” Those values which are important to you provide the framework for our lives, whether they be spiritual or not.
What Hope?
If we think of this time when our life will not be remembered, then possibly we might wish to re-envisage what we are doing now? Those choices that we make which we do for others, to keep up with expectations, but not allow our life to be joyful and flourish. Possibly this is the time in our lives when we can make that life-choice, to free ourselves from guidelines, limitations, restrictions – that time when we can be free from the Must, Should, Could litany which boxes us in, and be released.