Flipping Conflict

There will be no further mention of the humble isosceles, nor its colleague, the scalene triangle. Neither will its proper relative, the right angled triangle. But triangles are used in human society as a means of using power over someone else.

“If your brother or sister sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three witnesses. But if they still won’t pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector.”

Matthew 18:15-17

This whole section of Matthew’s Gospel is all about community, a community under pressure from orthodox Judaism and those who are linked to the Roman Empire. How do you keep the new followers close to what Jesus said?

Conflict

Wherever we go, conflict is apparent. Harmony is usually only found in hairspray adverts. When two people do not agree, seldom do we see a way forward unless they might humble themselves and listen to one another. The legal profession is one that encounters this societal issue and ‘helps’ us to find an agreement, and if not, they’ll sort it out according to the laws of the land.

Matthew’s Gospel speaks of a conflict where we are invited to speak, to have a conversation, a dialogue. I note that the text doesn’t say listen to the other, the opposing party is the only one suggested who should listen. If ‘they fail to listen’ – yes, I still feel that listening is two way – then go up the hierarchal lines of power. If that fails, treat them as …yes, we get the drift.

Note the silent voice in the text?

There’s no mention that we should utilise social media to ‘prove our case’, nor should we gossip the issue with others. And yes there’s some local cultural intonation here which might not translate well to 2023, wherever you live. That’s a dilemma when we expect the Bible to speak to us direct. The followers of ‘The Way’, those following Jesus, were under pressure to return to the fold of classic Judaism. The traditional followers would be struggling over following the word of someone who could be human, and not of the one God.

Recall the Jesus is the logos, the Word of God. We don’t worship the Bible, do we?

Triangles

How does the triangle relate to all this? Well, in our differences we can take on particular characters: that of being a victim, or a persecutor, or a rescuer.

Victim

The Victim is one who feels pinned to the corner and seeks a saviour, a rescuer, who will ‘save them’. They might be heard to say “poor me!”. That rescuer could be that wonderful person, but if they opt not to help, they could now be seen as a persecutor.

Rescuer

The Rescuer is the one on the white stallion, riding in and helping the victim. “If you do it my way, all will be well” might be heard. There is a form of control evident, possibly even manipulation to ensure that the rescuer’s script is followed at all times. Could they be seen as martyr’s, working 100% (or more) to give everything of themselves to this cause?

Persecutor

The Persecutor is one who demands that the victim changes, and verbalises the way forward but without offering any firm plans or actual help. It might suit the persecutor for the victim to remain a victim as their role remains one of power.

This is known as the Karpman “Drama Triangle”.

Options

We might have already seen that we might take on some of the characteristics of any of these 3 roles in our personal conflicts. We might see all three. And that’s positive, for one way out of this dilemma (or is it a trilemma?) is to recognise where we are: being present in the moment.

If we recognise that our feelings are akin to a victim, we have need of a stronger person to rescue us, then we can take a step back – for then we are seeking to step out of the triangle.

It is only when we see that others might be manipulating the situation for their own gain, even if it is done unintentionally, can we move and find ourselves. This might be described as ‘to take responsibility for their own empowerment and resourcing themselves to meet their own needs‘.

Just as Jesus liked flipping tables, we could, now we are outside of that triangle, flip the triangle. Now the Victim, empowered, becomes a Creator: the Rescuer a Coach; and the Persecutor a Challenger.

Over to you

So when confronted, when in conflict, do we seek to engage, form the most powerful party? Or do we wish to create a way forward so that the other person is not one to ‘lose’ nor ‘win’, but we create a ‘win-win’ situation? A win-win might be seen in that Empowerment Triangle.

Society dictates that we are to be powerful. How about if we were to adapt that to seek our own empowerment? God has made us to flourish.